Reflections from a dreamer

The latest obsession

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 18:27:16 GMT

Hi, my name is Barb and I'm obsessed with Doctor Who. That's why I've been quite silent from the internet world for about two weeks now. I've been watching series one and series two on DVD pretty much over and over. In the UK it's called a series, not a season, and fries are called chips, and people snogg rather than make out.

So why do I like this show so much? Because it's intelligent, clean, funny, well written, has a great cast, and very good story line. People die (I think there is only one episode where everyone lives), but life moves on. Of course there is the side of me that would love to travel through time and space, though I'd be afraid of getting killed.

I've also started considering the possibility of moving to an apartment. I just don't know if I can afford it. I really don't want a roommate, just because I like my solitary existence, though I wouldn't mind sitting down and watching Doctor Who with someone that would enjoy it as much as I do.

Tonight we're scrapbooking. I hope it goes well. I've got tons of new paper but due to the Doctor Who obsession, not sure if my creative mind will be focused on scrapbooking in time to be productive. If anything it will be fun to chat and eat and do stuff like that.

And if anyone is interested in watching Doctor Who with me, let me know. I don't think I can let the DVDs out of my sight. Oh and I still prefer Doctor number nine to number ten, though I'm warming up to number ten. Can't wait until the next season is on DVD so I can watch it. That will be sometime next fall or winter. Bummer.

Operation Happy Birthday and other matters

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 03:29:05 GMT

Starting off, Operation Happy Birthday appears to have been a success. We put in the effort to make a party that was fun and for the person it was meant to be K, and I think we pulled it off. The cake was right, the food was good, the people were there because they wanted to be there, and generally everyone likes everyone else. So it all turned out just fine. Glad to make it work and hopefully a happy memory.

Which is good as it was a pleasant ending to a crazy day. Work was crazy from being gone Friday, though I survived and it will probably continue to be crazy this week due to meetings and general work.

What kept my mind occupied most of the day was words from a friend that felt like being blind-sighted and rammed by a truck. The information came at a time when I'm back to usual me. Which is to say, partially having my head in a hole in the sand believing what I want to and that things are continuing on in stasis. Or something along those lines. The first response to said words was "the party is tonight and it's supposed to be for K, how can you bring this up now and it not impact tonight’s events" (which actually didn't happen - as in the parties that knew something was going on pretended that nothing was going on so everyone could have a good time).

The second thought was, "I've screwed up my responsibilities and my weak faith has not helped CC at all. Because I have failed, she has failed. This led to, it's time to take action (again). To stop delaying the return to what I know is good and how I should be. I was looking at the choice CC appeared to be making (her way) and how I’d been choosing my own way. I flashed back to that Spring day in 2000 where I sat on the counter in the activity center hall with T and C. T confronted me with truth. I’d been grasping onto an idea of my salvation from childhood. In reality I had never made my faith my own and I had a choice.

“I know the truth, what other choice can I make?” I said then. So we prayed.

I woke up the next morning with the Spirit of God radiating out of me (not literally, but people knew something was different, my eyes shone brighter, my walk, lighter).

Pastor B & P both talked about the Spirit being in us this week. So this morning I remembered Christ – through the Spirit, is in me. Therefore, again I say it, “I choose Christ.” I’ve lived the life I make for myself, I’ve lived the life where the Spirit is working in me. So I choose Christ. It’s better. It also means he is first. I forsake all others, all ideas of others. I choose Christ. If I marry, it will be because God helped our paths to cross, but first I need to be in ministry, doing as Christ desires from me. So that if marriage comes, that’s where we will meet and I will know that he has a heart for Christ as I do.

Jesus is not the booby prize. He is the GRAND prize. As I start working through these thoughts in my mind, I realize I love Him.

I realize I’ve always been capable of love because the Spirit is in me, but due to my flesh being in control, the Spirit was dormant. Now that I’ve allowed him to start a bit of cleaning house, love has returned. I choose Christ so now it is not I that lives, but Christ lives within me.

For now (hopefully for a little longer than last time) I want that to be what I return to. I choose Christ. That is what will determine my choices in other matters. I cannot think of it as a part of my life, because it what my life is to be about. Church is not just something I do on Sundays, but the undercurrent of all that I do. Even when I’m not quite there, it is still in the back of my mind working, reminding me. It’s time to spread some fruit.

What happened to never getting sick?

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 20:39:12 GMT

So a few weeks ago I had a head cold that knocked me out for a few days. I could handle that, I didn't mind using up a few PTO hours for the day and a half, and it's not like I was really missing something at work by not being there.

But to be woken up at 4:30 AM with a sudden feeling that I'm about to vomit, just doesn't seem like something I really desire of a Friday. . . where I'm supposed to be in at work early so everything for the end of month can be done early, so we can all have a great "meeting" on the softball field playing kickball all afternoon. I expected to feel bad for a little bit, get it all up, then feel fine and head into work. No such luck. I got ready for work, though a little slower than usual, and with plenty of delays sitting on the floor in the bathroom waiting . . . for something to happen. I called in at 7 (when I was supposed to be there, talked to my supervisor, told her that if I didn't think I would puke on the drive in I would have at least gone in for that one hour to get everything done. She said they would do what was necessary and the rest would get dealt with after month end. I spent the morning between the bathroom and bed room(luckily not very far away from one another). By 10:00 the vomiting had stopped. By one, the case of chills had been replaced with a fever of 100.3. No appetite. Just sleep and misery. Didn't eat much for dinner, but was starting to feel somewhat better by evening.

I woke up this morning feeling fine. Full of energy (which is surprising since I ate hardly anything yesterday). Ready to break out into the world again. So the week at work ended up only being three days, which will make next week oh so much more difficult. But this afternoon I plan on working on scrapbook pages. And yes, we do need another scrapbook night, so we'll have to figure out a day when we can do it. I've got some fun stuff.

Oh and so now I went from no "occurrences" at work to two in less than a month. Not that it really matters, but I just hope I don't get sick again anytime soon.

Three day weekends are great!

Tue, 29 May 2007 00:46:41 GMT

It's been a great weekend. Especially since it lasted three days. Yesterday after church my parents and I drove an hour to go hiking at a place called Falls Creek Falls. My dad and I left my mom behind (as she goes the speed of a snail (due to medication as well as not being in very good shape). She doesn't mind going at her own pace as far as she can get and she actually did really well considering everything. It took my dad and I an hour to hike to the falls, and it was worth it. The web site where I got better driving directions from labeled it an "easy" hike. That was from a hiking website, so for regular, fit hikers it was easy. For my dad with a bum knee and being less active than he used to be, and me, still working on getting more active, it was a good hike to start out the summer with.

The falls were amazing. It's one of those places that you think should be in some exotic location, and here it is in our own extended back yard. A place that my dad hadn't even known existed until I suggested it and he has over 50 years of being in the area.

Today I woke up around 7:30, got dressed and made the nice trek to Woodburn for a bit more shopping. I got there at 9:45, which was good as it opened at 10 and started filling up with people pretty quickly. Made my intended stops: Eddie Bauer - $75.00, Tommy H - $0 my jeans won't be back in the store until fall :(, Columbia Sportswear - $15 and a free water bottle. I was disappointed about not being able to get a new pair of jeans, but I was able to get other pants that will work for work and fun, so I hope to be able to make the jeans I have work for the summer.

On the way back, I stopped at J's as a gaming party was in session. I didn't play, but did watch the old gang kill one another with lots of laughter. It was nice to catch up with them as I don't get to do that very often. Granted, most of them were glued to respective monitors, but still, it was nice to see them.

I came home, and started working on scrapbook pages. I finally got the two that have been in progress completed. Now I have to figure out what ones to do next and if I know what I want to do with them enough to work on them.

Tomorrow it's back to the daily grind.

Crazy days

Sun, 27 May 2007 01:44:40 GMT

It's been a crazy week at work. People out sick for all sorts of different ailments, none really connected. Which meant we were somewhat short staffed (just focusing on getting the essential stuff done). It probably didn't help that I was doing testing for two hours a day three of those days. But, we made it through, and yesterday everyone was back. Of course lots of other people had taken the day off, so it was quiet and we were able to get work done.

On Thursday before breakfast I weighed myself. 169 - under 170! yahoo!. I was working with the trainer on Wednesday and he had me use 25 lb dumbbells for a bench press. As I picked up the weights I held them for a minute taking in the fact that I used to carry that much extra weight around with me all the time. 50 lbs (two 25 lb dumbbells). I'm glad I got rid of that, I'd rather just use it for getting stronger once a week in a workout than hauling it around all the time. Oh and the trainer has decided to leave, so I have to decide if I want to work with someone else, or keep the cash and do my own thing. Now that I'm consistently in the gym, I think I'll do my own thing for now and see if I need to add a trainer back at a future time.

Back to the weight thing. After my breakthrough weigh-in. I had pizza for dinner that night (it was vegetarian, but still pizza) and when I did my official weigh-in I was wearing jeans, so my weight then was 173. I am not deterred, really. I know I'll get back down and am taking measures (like actually eating what I'm supposed to). In order to make my goal.

I still haven't made it to Woodburn yet, but I did get frames for a poster and a picture I've been "meaning" to get frames for over six months. Now it will probably take another six months before I get around to hanging them on the wall. :P

I still haven't done any more with scrapbook pages, except buy more stuff. I'm sure it will make them look pretty once I actually get started.

Joy comes in the morning

Tue, 22 May 2007 04:06:41 GMT

It's been an interesting 24 hours. Yesterday, I chose to surrender to God (again). That isn't really new. What's a tad unusual, is that last night when I got home from church (which was good by the way), I chose to write in my journal (the one with pen and paper) which is more of my communication to God, than to watch a movie. Of course ever 5 seconds thoughts were racing through my brain of "you really need to watch Casino Royale" or "you really need to watch more Doctor Who." Of course I would enjoy both of those mindless distractions, but that is what they are, distractions. So I chose to ignore them for once, grab my Bible and journal, head to the bedroom and scribble away.

In the course of writing, I started to think about my relationship with my sis-in-law. We don't really have much of a relationship. Reason A is me being pretty guarded with thick walls and the "you're not welcome to get involved" sign posted over the door. Reason B is probably her responding to the bad vibes or having her own bad vibes. Reason C, would be the issues I have with being the single, childless, youngest of the family that makes me often feel like an outcast when they come to visit. I don't feel this way with my sis, mostly because she makes me feel welcome or involved at least. She's a people pleaser and wants to keep the peace, and I get that and appreciate that.

Also, when the bro and family are around, it is usually ten or eleven people under one roof which in itself tends to be way too much and being the single, childless one, I get whatever space is left after the grandparents and married with children take what they need.

I was trying to figure out why this was coming out last night as it usually only comes up when the bro is about to visit. I guess these feelings need to be dealt with. I don't know if its something to address with him (the bro) or not. The one thing that has held me back from connecting with him recently is something that happened between us about 4 or 5 years ago. We were in Tenn for Thanksgiving and both sis and bro were showing off the first of the next generation. I was (of course as I am now) single, without prospects or children, just having started a full time job with a OK pay rate. Back to living with parents and making the trip on the parent's bill. Which meant that I felt not only out of place, but in many cases just along for the ride. I didn't mind that the new kids were getting a lot of attention, and I quickly figured out that activities and outings revolve around the babies. Are they about to go down for a nap? Have they eaten? So on and So forth. There was a day where we had planned on going into town to do something, either shopping or seeing a movie or something. I went in to ask when we were leaving, to find out that the plan had been scratched. I was disappointed, and said "OK, no problem."

Bro asked if I really wanted to go I should speak up. I said it was fine (remember, free ride, just wanted to get out of the house) I could live with it. He started yelling at me about how I should stand up for myself and what I want to do. That I shouldn't let people walk all over me or something to that effect. It left me running from the room in tears, a half hearted apology a bit later, and now years of not wanting to trust him.

The sad part is, I'm sure they would enjoy hearing from me as they are on the other side of the world. I just don't do it enough because they are closer to sis and have their own friends that they talk with anyway. I just don't know if it's worth bringing it up and how it has scarred me when they've got enough to deal with.

Yet I'm learning (which I've known all along) that this spiritual journey is not to be traveled alone, and so I need others to know what is going on in my life. Family is important and so I should desire to let both bro and sis-in-law in. To drop the gates to the courtyard of who I am. Just how much do I say and making it sound non-accusatory is what concerns me. I mean, I don't want to cause scarring on their part in order for me to feel better and get over these issues. Besides, being the single, childless one, I don't need to have the two room suite to myself and confine the married with two kids to twin beds or the "guest room" which has a bed and barely enough room to walk around it.

Enough of that.

Tonight, instead of watching the previously mention movie/ TV shows, I've cooked chicken for the chicken and green veggies days that will be tomorrow and Wednesday. And written in my journal. It's only 9, so I still have a little time before bed, but I figure I can explore LJ some or work on some scrapbook pages, or perhaps pray some more to keep the fire lit. At least for one more day. Who knows, I might keep it up for a while. That would be a good thing.

Back from the brink

Sun, 20 May 2007 20:26:33 GMT

I was sick last week. Of course people tell you “I hope you feel better soon.” Which is there way of understanding what you are dealing with since everyone gets a cold or flu once in a while. I usually don’t get sick, unless I’ve just been on vacation. So for me, getting sick wasn’t something I minded. Isn’t that what all that PTO time is for that I have to use up by the end of the year?

It started out about two weeks ago with a little stuffy nose, sore throat, and dry mouth. Then last Monday after small group, I got home, headed for bed, and felt pretty miserable. I felt perhaps I was a little premature in not caring if I got sick or not. You see, as people would say “hope you get better soon” or “I hope it isn’t that bad,” I was thinking, “what if I want to stay home or not feel good?” I have been feeling sick in the head recently, so why not make it a complete package and feel sick in the body, too. Well, I went home early on Tuesday from work, slept most of the morning and afternoon. Decided that if I wasn’t ready to fall right back asleep, then I could get up and eat something. Being sick helped me keep on the weight loss plan since I didn’t feel like eating much anyway. I stayed home on Wednesday and slept most of the day. What I don’t get is that my mom kept asking when I was going back to work. Like I was faking the whole thing or something or ruining her day by being here sick rather than at work making others sick. Anyway, I did go back Thursday (I survived) and Friday was doing better. I still have the stuffy nose and cough, but otherwise am doing better. I don’t feel like I need to sleep all day, so that’s good and I actually did some straightening up and cleaning which desperately needed to be done.

Enough about being sick (it’s probably making you sick).

So other than that, I’ve been working on scrapbook stuff. Kind of. I’ve got pictures and background sheets, but haven’t actually put any pictures on the sheets to make actual pages. I’m working on that today since it’s drizzly outside.

I liked Shrek 3. Will be getting the soundtrack probably. I like spending money, but don’t have much.

Oh yeah, another topic I was going to discuss. I think (perhaps as a result of the illness induced delirium) that from a young age I was never actually going to get married (or at least not early in life). I’m wondering that my current state is due to such a burning desire for relationships from so early on, that I was destined to not experience such relationships.

I’ve also decided that I really do need to work on my relationship with Jesus, my own character, and all that stuff rather than focus on a fantasy of a life that will never come about. I think I’ve said that before, haven’t I? So we will try again.

On to scrapbooks and laundry.

The Rejuvinating Sun

Tue, 08 May 2007 04:38:12 GMT

It was sunny and nice today. The first day it's been like this since the Friday before Easter. Perhaps that is why I am more energetic, creative and Ok about things. Sure, nothing awful is going on that I am aware of, no evil plots to thwart my existence, so that's good. My boss's last day is tomorrow, and today they announced that the person that was under her will be her replacement. I'm excited for L. I am sure she will do a good job and I'll be there for her as much as I can.

They also said that they are going to evaluate our duties to see if they really fit our job descriptions. Let's see, I've had this title for almost two years now, so I'm actually overdue for a title change without actually changing what I do. Though since I took over a lot of what L did, that's already happened. Crossing the fingers to hope that they decide a place for a Sr. or Lead is needed and that I can do that. Work is much better than it was a year or more ago, I like my boss and my boss's boss, and that is always good.

I was reading entries from over a year ago (as I actually didn't write this time last year). The Cheerful Cynic has brought out a quirky side in me, that has become relatively permanent, when the depressed version goes into hiding. Let's try and keep quirky toward the surface for a while.

The stupendous stamp fest is over . . . maybe

Mon, 07 May 2007 04:43:03 GMT

This evening I returned to CC's mom's house to collect my card/scrapbooking stuff. Last night I had left the stuff there as CC was busy doing a lot of stuff and didn't have time to make all the cards she needed to. The main focus was mom's day cards and she had the most people to make them for. Anyway, long story short (too late!) she wanted to finish them today and so I came by tonight to help out and pick up my stuff. The stuff that fills most of my trunk space and since I have a Volkswagen, the trunk is large. CC was telling her mom that it looked like Craft Warehouse had exploded in the kitchen. Well, at least the paper crafts department.

While hanging out there, I was able to make two birthday cards for my sis-in-law and niece. I hope they will like them.

This dual evening of card making has gotten that fire for creative stuff lit again. Which means my checkbook better watch out. I'm sure I'll go crazy on more stamps and papers and we'll have to do another paper craft fest again soon.

Of course, there are more birthdays and babies on the way, and if we do stuff, then we'll have to take pictures and scrapbook that. So now I'm not sure if I want to put all the stuff away or leave it somewhat out so I can get to it a little easier than before.

We shall see. . .

I'd Like to Thank . . .

Mon, 07 May 2007 01:24:24 GMT

If I was to win an award, here's who I'd thank:

The Cheerful Cynic for showing me that it's OK and pretty much necessary to copy stuff for your my-space page, if you want it to be interesting. So now it's a lot more interesting.

The Cheerful Cynic's mom and WD for the use of their home for the girls party last night. It was lots of fun, burritos and paper-crafts!

K for your company Friday night to see Spider-man 3. It was good, long, but good.

Doctor Who (the first series Doctor) for adding another British actor to the list that I like. Is it the accent or something else?

B.S. - for being a good boss the last year and a half, and always standing up for us little people.

At this point they would bring out the hook are start up the music really really loud so no one can hear you any more, so I should say Thanks, and God Bless.

Joeys' need not apply and other ramblings

Tue, 01 May 2007 04:47:42 GMT

Tonight, being Monday night, is Bible study night. We are all single women and the subject of dating (or lack thereof) comes up regularly. Of course as I've stated before, my cave-dwelling existence doesn't create many opportunities for exposure to single men. If it did (or when it will) the biggest question remains, what am I looking for. What would my ad say if I put one in the paper or on line?

Single White Christian Female seeks Single Christian Male. Someone willing to be like Christ - with a strong faith, a protector, provider, one willing to honor and cherish me. Other qualities I think are important: intelligent, likes outdoor activities, a balance of seriousness and lightheartedness and is willing to stretch me. Someone whose heart shines through. Oh and preferably not dog ugly.

I know that I have a lot of flaws, lots of areas that need work, first and foremost is my ability to love. This morning I woke up and felt for the first time in quite awhile like I really wanted to spend time with Jesus, getting to know Him more and talking to Him, though I really didn't do it that much. Must work on that once I'm finished here and head towards bed.

Oh and my boss decided to leave for a place closer to her home. Which means that if a certain person gets promoted, then I could move up a spot, too. We're hoping, fingers crossed that it works out that way. Besides I can't think of anyone in the company that would want to transfer into our crazy, always changing department. So much of what we do is so particular and every Monday something goes wrong as the computer people try to make something else right. This also comes at a time when our "roles" and jobs may be redefined again. I think I've had this job title for at least a year, maybe two, which means I'm well overdue for it to change even if I don't actually change job functions.

Baby steps for an addicted pack rat

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 19:03:22 GMT

I did it. I actually did it. I put clothes into bags, put the bags in my car, drove to Goodwill and handed them over. They're gone, not all of it, but a lot of it.

Some people don't have the problem that I have genetically acquired. The "you may need it some day so don't get rid of it now" that is part of my DNA. Granted, I know I don't need every little plastic container that was cleaned out, but I still hang on to stuff, lots of stuff.

A few weeks ago I cleaned out my closet. It was around Easter, it was warm, so not only was I changing out winter for summer clothing, but anything that was too big or way out of style was thrown into a pile. Yesterday, I went through that pile again, and put stuff for Goodwill in one area and stuff that I could possibly sell on consignment in another. What I ended up with was six or seven garbage bags full of clothes for Goodwill. So I put them in my car, waited a bit due to a parental favor, then got in the car and headed to Goodwill.

I tend to over think everything. So I was worried about what would happen when I got there. Would they say, we're sorry, you're stuff sucks, we can't take it from you. Would they make me sit there while they go through it all? No, it was very simple, I drove up, they brought out a laundry hamper, I put the bags inside it, and I was able to drive off. I don't need a receipt since I haven't a clue how much that stuff was worth, nor would it matter when I do my taxes. So now here I am, officially seven bags of clothes lighter. Though I still have a massive pile on the floor that have to be washed, dry cleaned, etc and set in piles for seasonal trips to a consignment store. That's for another weekend.

I also was helping the parents trim tree branches. I don't really care about doing yard work. With their property its always overwhelming. But for a few hours, with clippers in hand, I was happy to trim any dead branches from the tress. Of course trying to make this not into a precedent, will be a challenge :)

I also was looking in a box for unused notebooks and came across two stories I wrote in middle school. I started reading the first one, but stopped. I think that I think it will be bad, the grammar, plot, etc, so I don't know if I actually want to read it. Recently I've been wondering whether I could write a story again. The one that has been drifting through my head for a while now still hasn't gone anywhere, so I don't know if I could make it work or not. It's sad. When I was in middle school I would sit at my desk consumed with that story. Then I started to learn about what makes a story a good one, and anything I've done since has barely made it past a few pages.

Is that dream I had of as a child, of wanting to be a writer, gone?

Fantasy Flashback

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 04:03:44 GMT

The following is something that I wrote with pen (so archaic) when my computer wasn't behaving. I came across it last night and decided that it might as well be published to the masses.

____________________________
She sits on the black iron bench along the path next to the flowing Columbia River. Guys on bicycles and women with strollers pass by heading one way or another. On the river, a barge heads steadily up stream. It's a beautiful day. The sun is out, a slight breeze keeps the air fresh, and even the traffic in the sky heading to the Portland Airport isn't overbearing.

As she sits, contemplating God's beautiful creation, a man with short dark hair, perhaps a little ruffled, wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans (not too baggy, not too tight) walks up and takes a seat beside her. His face is starting to reveal a bit of bristle, his smile perfect, and his brown eyes pierce deep into her being and capture her soul.

"Hi," he says.
"Hi," she says.
___________________________________

Isn't that how it's supposed to be? How you meet the man of your dreams? At least that's how I've hoped it would work. You go along, living your relatively boring life and God brings the perfect man to you. You look at him, he looks at you, and though there are a few things to work out, it doesn't take long to figure out you're meant to be together, because, after all, God brought you together.

The dilemma, for me at least, is here I sit in my quiet little room with a cat on my lap at 30, and yet to experience that kind of encounter. Of course you may be thinking, "Well, duh. You've got to be sitting on the bench at the water first."

Confession #1 (we'll start over since it's been awhile)
I have yet to fall in love. I have had a relation ship . . . or two, but neither of them would I say were endowed with a real sense of love. Guy #1 appeared at the end of my freshmen year of high school. I honestly didn't know he existed until a friend passed me a note from him. I think I was excited that someone was interested in me so we hung out a few times then that was it. Guy #2 was an acquaintance at church. I was in my mid-twenties and a mutual friend hooked us up. I enjoyed the friendship and the busier social life, but I don't think I loved him. There was some attraction, but I never could see myself with him in marriage, whether I tried to or not. The relationship lasted a year longer than it should have, but it's full of good times. I have him to thank for several movies in my collection and an increased understanding of the workings of a computer. Oh, and he's still my computer guru (thanks!)

The opportunities for love in my life have been scarce since then. OK, we're talking the Sahara desert here. Guys are around, it's not like I'm in a convent or anything. It's just that where I stand the selection is what you'd find at the Mom & Pop gas mart in Hockinson rather than the closest Safeway Supermarket or even the "one stop shopping" Fred Meyer.

Wouldn't that be great, a supermarket full of single, attractive, Christian men and all you have to do is stroll down the aisle and find the one that loves you for who you are, and of course, loves God.

I think I'm digressing.

Confession # 2
Because I've never been in love, desiring to be in love is an obsession. I'm sure by now you've figured that out. It's true.

We live in a society focused on love. A distorted definition of love, but still love, falling in love, being in love, making love, blah, blah. I see it on TV, watch it in movies, read it novels. It's the same set up. They meet, either through crisis or by accident, he saves her, or tries to woo her. They fall in love and ride off into the sunset. Of course, in the sequel they've broken up because the female actor doesn't want to return or it isn't interesting of a story if he's saving the same girl over and over.

The books, which are very well meaning, just set you up for disappointment. They're an encouragement (I've got my *sigh* perfected), but come on, I have yet to meet a man that inhabits the qualities of compassion and strength, except for those already taken. Alas, all the good ones have been taken.

Is it the selection? Am I too picky? Am I just looking in the wrong place? Or is it me?

Confession #3
I'm a Reason.

Looking back on the last ten years (fifteen if you count high school) I've come to the conclusion that it must be me (bring on the pity party). Guys don't ask me out, never have. Granted, it's not like I frequent bars, I'm over weight (though losing 45 pounds and counting) and not that attractive. I'm moody (just ask my co-workers) and prefer being alone to part of groups for an extended amount of time.

The real reason I'm a Reason? I'm not real - with others, with God, or with myself.

Confession #4
I'm a fraud.

Yes, I have confessed Jesus as my savior, but do I live like it? Not really. The reality is, that the only time I really act like a Christian is in front of Christian people at church and I bet they can probably see right through me.

This is the heart of the matter and part of me (a very big part) is pulling me not to go there. You've said enough, it's time to escape into the mindless entertainment of film and fiction.

The question is, how can I be genuine when I've taught myself so well to cover the truth? To hide behind silence or "I'm fine." The greatest thing I desire from others - to be fully known, is the one thing I am unwilling to do. On the rare occasion I am willing to bear my soul, to be truly honest, my intentions are thwarted internally or externally to prevent that confession.

So where do I go from here? How do I become the genuine person God requires me to be? How do I tell others, I'm struggling. I've leaped into the pit of despair of my own free will and can't decide if I want you to toss down the rope or not. I know, or have some hope, that God's plan for my life is better than my sense of existence - real or fantasy. But the FEAR of surrendering my will stops me from making that step of faith.

I have failed God so many times, I can't see myself succeeding. The belief or hope or faith that I can follow Christ's direction is what I truly lack.

So that's from before. This is from last night (heck might as well give you something to read and there is still seven minutes before the Unit starts).

I'm tired.
Part of it is physical exhaustion from exercise and a full day, but I'm sure most of it is from running from God.
I hate running, on a treadmill, on the road, I can't keep it up for more than a minute or two. Running from my commitment to God, however . . tighten up the shoe laces and we're off.

I'm tired of the fly. It left! It's back.
I'm tired of trying to live as if Jesus isn't a part of my life. So is He really part of my life and how big a part does he encompass?

He requires all of me and I know I have not given him access to all of that.

I want to be beautiful. For Jesus beauty is from within- a heart after his, fear of the Lord. These things make a woman truly beautiful. Am I capable of these things?

Yes - because Jesus can change me.
So I pray again as I do every day - "Change my heart, O God, make it every true. Change my heart, O God, make me more like you."

I still have not been broken, and I fear what it will take, what loss or crisis I or another will have to go through in order for complete surrender to occur.

Can surrender come in the place I am know? Where my heart says "I must do this to make life worth living." Yet the flesh sweeps in minutes or seconds later and steals it back.

The battle between the flesh and spirit is tiring.
I am tired.

Just the constant reflection of "blah"

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 04:33:56 GMT

It's Monday, again. Mondays at work are not the most exciting, but at least I have my little group of women to look forward to chatting with and praying with. It's a nice way to end the most dreaded of work days and charge up for the rest of the week.

Last night after the church meeting I decided I needed to get away for just a little bit and talk with God. I knew that if I went home, I'd just push play on a DVD and sit there escaping into the fantasy realm. So I chose to drive up to Crown Point. Heck, it's freeway all the way. The goal was to get there by sunset (I missed that by about ten minutes), but you could still see the orange glow fading in the west behind the river and the city. The view was still wonderful. The problem, however, was me. I'm sure God was there with me, I just wouldn't open my heart up to him. Or perhaps he knew that my motives or actions where not fully attentive to him, so instead of waisting his time, he let me feel his absence rather than the goody presence feeling I was hoping for. So after about ten minutes of standing in the crisp evening or sitting in the car listening to the noise of music from the dancing girls a few spots away, I drove home. I returned to my world of fantasy and watched the movie.

Would this beconsidered a defeat? I don't really think so. I know that what I want is more than what I have now. I know that tonight I am not escaping into the dream world of my own making (I'm writing this instead). I just wonder when the mantra of my mind will actually change? How can I actually escape Groundhog's Day? I'm doing OK really, at least I think I am. No deep depression, just the constant reflection of blah.

On a side note here's something to ponder:

when serpents bargain for the right to squirm
and the sun strikes to gain a living wage-
when thorns regard their roses with alarm
and rainbows are insured against old age

when every thrush may sing no new moon in
if all screech-owls have not okayed his voice
-and any wave signs on the dotted line
or else an ocean is compelled to close

when the oak begs permission of the birch
to make an acorn-valleys accuse their mountains of having altitude-and march
denounces april as a saboteur

then we'll believe in that incredible
unanimal mankind(and not until)

ee cummings

The Ties that Bind

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 18:28:07 GMT

I woke up this morning to the phone ringing. It was my sister in CT. As we sat talking, one of the things that came up was that she's getting Costco coupons with my name on them. It's a way for her to have a membership attached to my Dad's. It's a long story, but its worked. Anyway, I jokingly talked about moving out there. The thing is, she would love to have me move out there. I know one of the reasons is that I would finally get out of the parents clutches. I could stretch my legs a bit like the other siblings.

The thought of just packing up and moving across the country is appealing. I've never done it (barely packed up and moved across town for a year). So venturing into the unknown seems very adventurous. Now would be a better time to do it with the weather starting to thaw out in New England. The brother - in - law seems confident that he could find me a job, probably making more than I do now and S would have free babysitting (while I would get experience with kids). So lets just pack up and get started!

Oh wait . . .
I've got commitments. My job, granted is pretty much doing what I do now and have done for four years without much room for advancement. My lil' sis through BBBS that started at the beginning of the year and is a year long commitment. My weight loss program with LA which I am behind on (I'm sure there are centers in New England so that one could move with me). My friends and small group that seems to be going well now. CJ's baby on the way. Jack and Jill (well more Jill than Jack). And how did they end up on the list last?

Oh and the fact that the biggest reason to move would be to get away from all the baggage, to re-invent myself. The only problem is that as I would be going, that means all the baggage would be going to, so how can you really get away from the person you are?

I wish I could take a month, or even a few weeks and go out to CT and see what possibilities come up. New state, opportunities for relationships, though how I would meet people would probably be through S or P. I'd have to find a new church and I've spent my whole life getting to know this one. What would it be like to be the new person in a new place? I'm always the constant one, that never moves, but stays the same.

Rainy days are here again

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 04:50:50 GMT

Ah, it is spring in Vancouver, which means days appear with some sun and an alien mind wipe that makes you forget that you're still in the Pacific North Wet and rain is in the forecast more often than those sunny days we crave. It's better than getting two inches of snow and losing power. We were notified that our locations in Virginia were shut down today due to power outages from stormy weather. So just to remind myself, rain is better than that.

Good news! I lost 4.5 pounds in a few days! I'm back on track, loosing weight, doing well on all that. That means it's less than thirty to go. If I can only keep that up, I'll be ready for summer.

I feel as though we've been hibernating all winter, and realized that it's spring and we should be out meeting new people and going places. Which means being more outgoing, not such an introvert. So goal number 1 - more eye contact. For some reason I don't like looking people in the eye, it's always been a challenge, perhaps I feel that they will look into my eyes, see my soul and not like what they see. That if they look me in the eye they will realize how terrified I am, or how false I am or so forth. So that means I have to work on honesty and strength. As long as I don't go from one extreme to the other of looking people in the eye in defiance.

I think I'm too tired to be introspective today. Sorry, that's all I got for now.

Oh and for the work vent - why can't people take responsibility for their actions?Why would you buy something that you should have known you couldn't afford, then try to blame us for the fact that you chose to buy it when it caught up with you.

Time to try something new

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 05:40:25 GMT

A week or so ago, D invited the gals to cheer on her cousin at a karaoke contest. It wasn't going to be at a bar, but at a lodge that's really all I knew about what it would be. When the two of us walked into the "lodge" as in the Eagles Lodge meeting hall, what I saw wasn't what I expected. But then what would I really have expected? I guess just not that. It's not that it was bad, it was just a lot of older people that apparently all knew each other. We ended up at a table for a group that had some left over seats. The only thing that kept me from sneaking out when her back was turned was that she picked me up and drove (You know me so well, don't you?).

Honestly I was really tired, though I doubt my initial reaction would have been different, it just gave me an excuse to be quiet and stay put. Luckily the rest of the compatriots showed up and we had fun texting each other messages about the contestants in the singing contest and talking over the country music.

It really wasn't that bad of a time, better than staying at home watching re-runs and probably better than driving all the way to the beach to stay at a cabin on the beach with my parents watching TV. Not that I wouldn't mind being at the beach, just that I spend enough time with the parents as it is and this week has been very nice.

So I'd say Barb scores a point for actually going out with the gals, putting the effort to not dig a burrow in unfamiliar territory and hopefully the next time will be a younger and more comfortable crowd.

I'm still quite worn out from the week, so it's off to bed I go.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 03:25:24 GMT

Today at work I participated in a meeting. That in itself is not worth mention, but as the meeting got underway, I could feel the time warp and images from the past flash before my eyes. Yes, Barbara, this does seem oddly familiar, like you've been through this before, and I wasn't the only one that felt that way.

There are some people, that when they start to speak, you form an opinion of them and as they continue to talk your opinion is confirmed. This person in this particular meeting rather than "participating" in the meeting chose to dominate the meeting. The rest of us are sat there baffled at how she could just take over. After it was over, she went to our department director and said that we didn't listen to what she had to say. He came into the meeting, which was just our group left, to hear our side of the story. We said the same thing about her, but at least our version was justified.

What's frustrating is that it really is the same problem we had a year ago as come back again, though at least this time my department can confidently say it's not because of us.

The venting is done. Now time to concentrate on Survivor.

Computer, sweet computer

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 02:09:30 GMT

It's raining outside (what a surprise). Inside, I'm trying my best to stay warm and decide whether I want to use the treadmill or just brave the rain and walk outside. The 80 degree day a week ago fooled us all into thinking summer was just around the corner, when in reality spring is just beginning. Of course, rain in the 50's and 60's is far better than snow.

I got my computer back! I'm happy. It was a battery on the motherboard, which is a lot like a watch battery. Anyway, I'm happy it's back.

Well, the rain has stopped for a moment, so I think I can brave a walk outside. Farewell for now.

Good Friday

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 17:21:17 GMT

Yesterday was warm, sunny and wonderful, but during the night, the rains came and now there is a steady drizzle remining us all that it's April in the Northwest. It's like saying "here's the good life that you all want, but you can only have a little taste!"

After work yesterday I went to the Good Friday service at my church. It's a really neat service going through the life of Jesus and how people come in and exit his life. It prepares you for the joy of Easter morning. It's supposed to be powerful. For me, it was very powerful, the first time I went. Yet for some reason most times I have gone since, it's more like watching a favorite movie over and over again. You know the lines, you know what happens next, and though you like watching it, it just doesn't have the impact you get from watching it for the first time. Then you leave the church and life goes on.

Tomorrow is Easter, when we celebrate something that happened so long ago, but forever changed the world.

Happy Ressurection Sunday!

I'm back again

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 03:09:22 GMT

So It's only been close to a year since I was on here last. I guess the important part is getting back into it. Though at the moment there is the challenge of my computer choosing to flip out. So I made it worse by trying to fix it. At first it would only not boot without help and then go back six years. Now it won't start at all. That's what I get for knowing enough to get myself into deep trouble.

As far as what's going on with me, hmm. I'm probably about the same place I was emotionally last summer. I'm just 40 pounds lighter. Yes, that's a good thing. Work has worked itself out mostly. My cats have survived the food recall, though they often stare at the wet food bowl as if it will magically fill up. They've got dry food and it's not like they ate much of the wet stuff anyway, so I don't know what they are complaining about, really.

I figure I need to get a life rather than sitting at home everything watching TV or movies. Or obsessing over movie stars. I guess I'm reverting to childhood again since I didn't really do that as a kid. Yes, I'm weird.

Easter is coming and that should be a good thing. Spring dresses were late to arrive (in my opinion), but I found one I like and hopefully will be nice and pretty on Sunday. Though the only people that see it will be parents and close friends as not many people except regulars go to the early services on Easter. Oh and the waitress at Elmers where we go to breakfast after church. And yes, I'll be eating a lot of starches that morning. Its only once a year and so why not celebrate Resurrection with something good to eat.

Sorry for any typos as I'm using a different computer and I'm not used to a normal keb oard any more.

Desperate rock seeking Godly rock hound

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 05:30:10 GMT

You would think after having such a long break between entries, I'd have much more to say. Well, there isn't much change, in the outside at least. I'm still working and though there was a few weeks where I felt the pressure lift just enough to pass the straight jacket by, I feel it quickly swinging back this way again. I've been told that it will get better and won't go back to how bad it was before. There's enough new people that I might just believe it.

There still is no romance. Period. Except perhaps a small daydream here or a fleeting look at some stranger there, but really nothing that could actually become something. Part of it is that I'm not really looking. Perhaps I rely too much on God or fate to bring Mr. Right to my doorstep. The real reason, is that I don't think I'm ready. I really want my relationship with God to be solid before I allow another person that could be a distraction to come into the picture. That's what partially happened last time. There was a great guy, I liked him but didn't really love him or could really see me marrying him, yet, I let my life get wrapped up in his. His friends became my friends, at the sacrifice of many of my friends, I stopped relying as much on God and more on him for my social interaction. So, to prevent that from happening again, I have decided that I need to concentrate on the relationship with Jesus. There is just one small thing, I haven't been spending the time with Him that I should which well, directly relates to the other issues. The more a drag my feet, the more time goes by, and the closer I get to becoming bus bait.

I am progressing, a little here, a little there. Right now I'm working on what it really means to love God. We are told to love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul with all your strength and with all your mind. It's been a very long time since I've felt so deeply for God and what God has done for me to the point where I would say that loving him consumes me. The facts are ingrained in my brain. The biggest challenge has always been getting those facts to move to my heart. How many people do I know that recognize the amazing sacrifice that was made and feel the impact on their own lives. Yet for me, I feel hardened. I feel that God needs to bring a sledge hammer and pound on my head to get those things to drop on my heart and crack the thick crust in order to reveal the soft core. What I don't know is how to make that happen.

Or perhaps he's using the quiet, yet constant drip of his spirit to erode away the crust so that sometime soon a little tap is all he will need to reveal the core. Or, perhaps there is no soft core, its just hard straight through and a nice, center of the sun hot fire is what's in store for my heart. Granted, I'm the optimist, and the one that hopes and believes change is possible, so God has got to do something with this heart of mine, no matter how detached and hard I feel.

I guess this is why I have decided to start a Bible study with a bunch of women. So that we can all work on each other and allow God to work through us to bring us closer to him and build our character into the person we should be for him and eventually (God willing) the man that God brings into our lives.

I feel like . . . why bother, just flip a coin

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 20:42:50 GMT

I haven't written anything in ages, so I don't really know where to begin or what really to say. I finished Purpose Driven Life. Though my intent on that fizzled a bit. I also read about half way in another book about what women think and how to focus on what is true instead of convincing ourselves of lies that are around us. I also read a couple fiction books.

I don't think I'm quite heading down the path of the next depression, but I do feel "blah." That has me a bit worried. I still haven't grasped the whole "Jesus is my best friend" attitude, and whenever I pray, I feel like I'm missing something. That what ever it is lies just out of reach or is on the tip of my tongue, but for some reason won't reveal itself. I do feel that I've been running more than usual. Doing things here and there, and instead of using the time that I'm not doing stuff with others to seek God or be creative, I end up watching TV for a few hours. Granted, I've been sick and that hasn't really helped on the recovery from vacation. In some ways I feel like the whole summer is still ahead of me, but on the other side, it's like its already slipping away. I feel like I'm ready to begin a relationship and just need that guy to appear. Then again, I feel that I won't ever be ready for a relationship until I get the "Jesus is my best friend" concept down. I feel like I have a lot to say, but don't know how to say it, or lots of words to say absolutely nothing.

So I really don't know which way is sideways and which way is up. I feel like making some cards or scrapbook pages, since that is a great hobby, but I work my best with a person in mind two hours before the event. Another part of me wants to write fiction, but the thoughts in my head are more biographical than something that can go to a fictional character.

Perhaps I'm over analyzing again. Perhaps, it is better to just be "doing" and not have time to stop and reflect. Isn't that when you get depressed?

I can't tell if I'm happy or sad, going with the flow or sinking to the bottom.

Oh, and what is up with my camera. Last night we were having a video scavenger hunt with the church group, and my camera that I hardly use decides that black is a great color to record. Can't see a thing, but it's recording something. I smack it around a bit, have five different people push buttons on it, and give up. Get home to give it a bit more of a talking to, and in a minute, the black is gone and were back to full color picture. The event was OK, by the way, but WHY do you always have to find a cop to put handcuffs on someone? It's not like we live in the city where cops walk down the street, they are in cars, and it's after hours, and I don't like doing things like that. It's against my nature and I really don't care to be "stretched" in that particular way. That's why God created other people.

Rain that touches my soul

Mon, 22 May 2006 01:28:06 GMT

A little while ago, a thunderstorm passed by. At first I didn’t care, as I’m nice and comfy in my house. Then I decided to take a look. I was mildly surprised to see how interested I was in watching the rain pour down. I went outside under the cover of the front porch and watched as the rain pounded the cars, gushed through the drain spouts, and filled rock paths and flowerbeds to overflowing. I just stood there enjoying it.

Some might say, “what’s the bid deal? You live in a place known for rainy days.” Well, it hasn’t rained for about two weeks and we really don’t get the downpours all that often. With all that, however, what is so enjoyable for me is that it’s part of God’s creation for this world. It’s one of those things that must be enjoyed here on Earth. It may not be something we experience in heaven. So while I can, I’ll get all nostalgic for the rain, as long as I’m not standing in it without a place for cover.

Something that’s been on my mind recently is guys, or rather the fact that I have no prospects and am nearing the middle of another year. I’m doing better about keeping the focus on God, and when I wonder about how my life “could be” though there is no way it will “ever be” like that, I stop myself, (and usually cry out to God). I know I’m single, I know there are reasons for me being single, and I pray that it is only a season (a very long season I’ll grant you, but a season non-the-less). I try to keep reminding myself that I need to truly and consistently keep my focus on Jesus and not worry about whether the guy God has for me is a bald engineer or a hot body builder. God knows what I need better than I do, so why do I feel the need to dream up a guy that if I ever met in real life wouldn’t be a good fit?

I’ve been reading Purpose Driven Life with the girls in my small group. We’re going through it individually, but are trying to stay on the same chapter every day. I’m really enjoying going through it again. I think I’ve had a few small breakthroughs. Last Tuesday after community group I went home very tired. I got ready for bed and laid down. I remembered that I had said thought that morning about getting on my knees for prayer, but ran out of time getting ready for work. So I got out of bed and kneeled and started to pray for the requests people had made during group. While praying for one person, a picture came into my mind and the urge to call that person. It was 10:30 at night, and though I know she would still be up, I felt uncomfortable about calling that that time of night, but I did. I fumbled through the image in my mind and so forth, then hung up the phone. I have no idea whether it was for her encouragement/ challenge, or for me. Probably a few days earlier I would have brushed it off.

I’m glad that I’m making progress. I’m glad that I’m talking to God more through the day. I’m glad that I’m able to enjoy downpours and clear starry nights when I would otherwise be sitting inside watching TV.

Driving forces

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 04:17:35 GMT

I’ve decided that as I go through the Purpose Driven Life again, that I would use this journal as a reflection on what thoughts it brings into my head. It’s a good thing since I read the chapter in the morning and write in my journal in the evening.

That will come a bit later. Right now I’m thinking about community group last night and one of the things someone said in our girls small group. She said that she was not feeling as close or gung ho in her relationship with God. Am I and my complacency rubbing off on her? That’s a scary thought, just as I am feeling a bit more motivated. Or rather motivated to get motivated.

There is finally a tiny bit of relief coming at work. There is a temp starting tomorrow and someone permanent starting Monday. I’m hoping they will be good and stick around and that it will start a trend of getting even a few more in.

In the book I’m on chapter 3. What Drives Your Life?

He gives five main areas: Guilt, resentment and anger, fear, materialism, and the need for approval. I would have to say the biggest factor of these for me is fear. I’ve dealt (or identified) a number of issues I have dealing with fear. Usually when I get close to the point of confronting my fear I sabotage the opportunity leading to guilt. I know I also struggle with the other issues, too.

I know that I need to clean out a bunch of stuff. To not let it control me any longer. It is difficult since it is something I’m familiar with as part of my identity. It’s not healthy and really needs to go away. First I need to go through and list all those things and give them to God, and leave them there. So why does the thought of doing that feel worthless, like it won’t change anything. Why do I feel like this whole process is just going to go nowhere, or back to where I am again? Why do I feel that I will never break the cycle of highs and lows, and a life that is not productive for God. Will I always feel like I haven’t trusted God enough to be worthy of his blessings? I know that’s twisted, but it’s what I feel right now.